Having Kids

I have to start by saying I adore my children and thank God for them all the time! I have been for the past two years dealing with the issue of having more children. There are so many beliefs and many people have their own beliefs. I feel children are a great gift from God and have and are teaching me much about life,love,God,faith etc.
Yet after going through some hard times in the last two years I have gone through many feelings about having more kids. For awhile I felt that if I were to become pregnant I would be very angry with God. I know that sounds harsh but that is were I was at in my life. I was healing from much emotional pain and just felt like it would be mean of God to allow that to happen. I also do not believe in using most about all birth control that is out there nore am I gonna pay for an opperation.Sigh.. I prayed and gave my feelings,fears,anger to God. It has slowly changed.
I still don't particularly want to be pregnant ..yet when I look at my boys I can't help but wonder what it would be like to have another.
I have taken precautions. My husband wasn't ready for more kids either. He has now said if it happens it happens with a smile but doesn't want persay to not be careful to keep it from happening.
Yet as of late I have stuggled with it because I feel that I need to give control of this to God. To trust Him to allow or stop me from getting pregnant. I know He created me in such a way to bring forth life. Who am I to take control of that? Yet am I ready to have another child? I am not old but am getting older. My body has gotten very close to normal for the first time in about 8 years. I have a two year old in the stubborn stage and a highly acctive lol 3 year old and homeschool.
Oh I know I could and would be able to handle it if it happened but the struggle between letting go of me and my wants etc and to let God decide how many children I have..... Hmmmm I feel I need to let that control go yet God knows I am not sure I am able to yet.

THere have been times I felt like getting rid of all my baby things. Feeling like the baby stage of my life is over. And maybe it is but I don't know that since I have taken measure to make sure it didn't happen.

I struggle with letting go!
I am not around people who have four kids or more. I know they are around but most of them that I have met have older kids.
Today I went to get my hair cut,Lowes,Walmart and of course had all my kids with me. Can't say it went very well either. I don't want to even try to think what it would be like trying to do that with four kids and a baby! Man! ANd yes I had too! Well I could have called a friend but I hate to do that to them and it took way longer then I thought it would.

I know now why though I don't see other parents with so many kids. They don't take them out as a group often lol especially when shopping. But when Daddys not able to go I have no choice.

Will I have more kids? THat is yet to be seen!